So I have been away for quite a long, I don't know but I believe blogging my outfits aren't the best at this time of my life. I struggle a lot, more than you can imagine with my self consciousness. I've been like this for as long as I can remember. This is a lifestyle i am living, and I don't know how life is without this weight on my shoulders. I feel like I am trapped in myself. My head hurts all the time and all I see is blackness. Everything that surround me is pure blackness. I'm dizzy and I feel nauseous. I want to throw up the food i've been eating today, but I've been told strictly not to and to try as much as I can to eat more. I feel fat, when I look in the mirror all i see is one ugly, fat and disgusting 17 year old girl with ugly blonde hair and weird eyes. I try hard everyday to keep a smile on my face, so that people will believe me when i say "I'm fine". But am I? It's a struggle to get up in the mornings, I don't recognize myself. I was happy before, wasn't i? No. I've never ever felt happiness. I've been trapped inside this monster ever since my mom gave birth to me in 1996. I cry, but no tears come out. I scream, but no sound come out from my mouth. What is wrong with me? My depression is keeping me from living a normal life. It makes me do thing's that I shouldn't be doing. A seventeen year old girl shouldn't be cutting her arms two times a day, or throw up the food she just ate. She should life her life and be happy.
Two weeks before my christmas i attempted suicide. I was tired, I didn't have any emotion left in me. I didn't thought about it, I just attempted it. I failed, as i've done the 22 other times. I'm 17, I shouldn't be thinking about suicide all day or ways to kill myself at night. I am lost and I have no idea what to do anymore.
My friends found out about this and they contacted the school. I've been sent to the norwegian psychiatry for teens for treatment. i don't know if I am going 100% into rehab or not, but what I do know is that I am going to be better. I'm going to smile. I will live my dreams and I will be a successful fashion journalist in London. I will be confident about myself and I will smile.
